writings

Photo credits: mayydiaries.blogspot.com

Water, the essence of life.
Especially mine where I grew up around, in body and mind.
From interests to soul.

Fluidity eludes my personal life, my thoughts.
Never a calm moment until I see the hint of clear blue,
hear the sounds of waves softly crashing,
smell the salty sea breeze.
Perhaps this answers some of the questions I ask myself.
The most important, to stay or to leave.

From cruise vacations to working for daddy,
lunches, long walks alone and tennis camps
all at Raffles Marina and Virgo, give me time to think.
No one can ever understand the power of water over me.

I see my smile, the girl in past photos.
These days my own smile feels fake, even to me.
Few, can make me genuinely laugh.
For them, I cherish wordlessly to no end.
Maybe because they dont pry,
or perhaps wordlessly understand my walls.
Better yet, play along and pretend my life is picture perfect.

Its time I admit, I have been different for awhile now.
No, I dont quite like these changes.
But the facade is the only real thing I know, for now.
Till I rediscover the smile, the trapdoor remained locked.

nothing quite as complicated,
nothing quite as simple to shut one's life down,
change someone quite drastically,
hide away.

Others may guess and assume reasons,
but nothing really comes close to the truth.
Common simplemindedness guess at relationships, so-called love.
But trust when I say it is not
and life (especially mine) doesnt revolve around that.
Heart affairs do not generate from only one such avenue.

It may be experiences, daily matters,
little things that build to the cynicality of the mind.
Build to the walls and guards and moat and crocodiles
around the heart.

Where thoughts meander through the fields and forests
confusion and loss take over.
Some find their way back
takes moments, days, years,
or maybe never.
Admiration goes towards those who find and crawl their way back.

After all, it all boils down to choices.
Remain hidden behind the icy cold facade, lost to the truth?
Dig deep, find the inner bizaare and heartening reality?
Where complexity and volatilty runs amok yet quite gratifying.

Je crois, quelqu'un ou quelque chose détient la clé de ma trappe.